Well, after the encouraging words from so many of you, it's giving me fuel to continue to log this journey through pregnancy. It's been a topsy-turvy ride as of late. God's been showing me how inadequate I am to be a parent and how much I need Him.
Over these past two weeks, I have been really grappling with my own expectations on this coming kid. My own desires/dreams for him, and what I hope that he will accomplish. It makes me understand so much more the kind of pressures that my parents put on me and why they did what they did. (Not that I agree with it all, but it helps me understand how they could do it nonetheless.)
One subconscious desire I have is that my son would really have a relationship with his grandparents on both sides. I never had this because my grandparents were in Korea or passed away before I was old enough to really desire a relationship with them. These dreams came to the surface because recently I found out that my dad has colon cancer. He had surgery last week, and it was removed completely with no spreading, but it startled me nonetheless! The thought of losing him, and the thought of my son losing him, was more than I could bear.
The whole situation has really caused me to let go of some of my dreams and expectations and simply trust God. I know this is easier said than done, but I've really come to let go of what I hope for this kid, and I'm beginning to really ask God what He wants for this kid. I have a feeling that this will be the first of many moments of 'letting go' like this, but I'm willing to go through it.
On another note, it really makes me want to go home to MD. A bunch of Sarah's gal pals also visited us, and it was so good for us! It was great for Sarah, and it was a joy for me to host them. Particularly Jeanne - it was a blast hanging out with her on Monday, getting to know her, and realizing how good she is for Sarah. Friendships like hers make me want to put my family in a place where such people will always be around. Still I'm torn...life in Chicago is great - I must be content - but family and friends are in MD. Which shall I choose? I feel like Paul in Philippians 1. I only wish I had the same tension over being here on earth and being with Him in heaven...I'm sure the Lord will lead us in His time...
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2 comments:
Praise God for healing your dad's cancer. I'm glad that the surgery went well.
I am glad you are continuing to blog. It will be fun to save it somehow and show it to Baby Lee when he is older. (See? This is what we were thinking about when you were in Mommy's tummy!)
Thanks for the reminder about this blog on xanga!
It was good to see you both this weekend (actually, all three of you including baby lee via mom's belly!). It's been awesome to see Sarah's growing belly at various stages-- and makes me so grateful for the new life inside! No matter how many pregnant ladies I see, I'm still amazed by it.... mostly cause it's my precious Sarah that's the mom-to-be!
Thanks for being such great hosts!
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